Love this Louisa. As I get older there are definitely more things I say no to. I wonder if my likes/tastes are changing as I get older or if I just have more confidence to say what I really mean now. I wish my younger self had felt able to be more true to herself.
Luisa, I really love this. At 42, which in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything,” I have decided I’m having a mid-life catharsis rather than a mid-life crisis. I am leaning into what I love and letting go of some things I don’t. The leaning in is going great, enjoying allowing myself time for my passions. The letting go is much, much harder...for me...so I really appreciate that question, what if I just don’t? Because your writing reminded me that I need to say no, in order to say yes.
I love this, Luisa. I think there's so much power in a 'not to do list'. I'm proactively trying to practice saying 'because I don't want to' and stopping there without continuing to justify why I want to stop something - both when telling others something and when telling myself! It's hard sometimes but liberating.
I’m about to turn forty and have never felt more apt to do whatever the hell I want. I’ve spent so much of my life with the ‘shoulds’ being ever so careful to never rock the boat. But a new season is beginning for me now, one that aligns with who I truly am and how I want to live. Beautiful post ♥️
I soooooooo love this Luisa. I’m 55 and 9 months (crikey!) and have worked in learning & development and coaching all my life until I early-retired a year ago. I used to have similar conversations with my work colleagues who felt overwhelmed - to help them work out what they could legitimately say no to (and how to do it without losing their job! Ha ha)
Yet it took me until I turned 50 to realise that I needed to do it outside of work too. As a lifelong pleaser of others, I started pleasing myself more. I also starting caring less about what other people think. It’s not about being selfish - I’m naturally a helper - it’s just shifting the balance a bit. Maybe when you get older you realise that this life is not a dress rehearsal and you need to make every day count. For me, that means: doing more things that make you happy and fewer that don’t; finding something that you do just for you (like your wonderful yoga sessions!); and finding happiness in the smallest of things, often things that are already part of your day and don’t cost a penny.
It’s still a journey, as I’ve always naturally put others first and you can’t break a habit-of-a-lifetime overnight. And there’s still a little guilt sometimes too. But your lovely words remind me of where I need to be. Thank you!
Yes! I can sense a rebellion. And i am now 32 (for the record) and i've noticed a shift in how i think and feel about a lot of things that I used to automatically do. I no longer commit to things quickly, I no longer assume others are secure in themselves, I no longer enjoy social media and dont feel bad for it.
Aside from the gym, my list mirrors your list and many of your readers. Addendum to Rebecca’s saying “no, thank you” without guilt: AND without an explanation. My “sorry, I can’t make its” no longer include a reason why. It’s been quite freeing.
Luisa i just LOVED reading this and connected with so much of this shift in you. I have the same feeling a lot of the time and I’m curious as my husband starts to feel better after 2.5 years of being sick what I actually DO WANT to do. I might make a list today!
I’m glad I decided to wander here tonight. Your post made me think of all the things I stopped doing and I feel proud. My next big one is to stop over explaining myself, giving all sorts of justifications when I just want to say a plain no. And you’re right about being 43!! Lately I feel as rebellious as when I was 15. For now I’m a bit bewildered too, not sure about which direction in really calling and feeling like a pressure cooker… I’m curious to see what happens when the steam finally gets out!
I also stopped too many things I didn’t want to so tomorrow morning, I’m going to dig out my journal and the prompt will be to list all the things I stopped doing! Thank you ☺️
"I lose the things I don’t love, in order to have more time and energy for those that I do."
Yesssss! Loved this piece and this line especially. I think this is why it doesn't feel like a sacrifice to give those things up or to stop doing them, even if some of them were fairly enjoyable or mindless habits like doom-scrolling social media *sets down Instagram...*. It's like you said, saying no means that we're really saying yes to something more fulfilling and when we do that we're really saying yes to ourselves, which just the loveliest thing we can do, isn't it?
Also: something I'm no longer doing is waiting to be ready - I figure everyone is winging it to some extent so might as well have a go (even if it's a bit scary) and see what happens! ❤️ And I (try really really hard to) no longer worry about the opinions/criticisms of people that I wouldn't go to for advice - a work in progress too!
Thanks for this. It feels like permission to not do stuff. Maybe even not to finish my second child's baby book (which has been hanging over me for 9 years!). It has got me thinking about what I want to stop. Need to get my journal out!
Definitely with you on no longer reading the news. Also accepting that in the winter I need to hibernate a bit, and, for me, that means encouraging myself to rest, which is tricky but with persistence (the irony of striving to rest?!) seems to be getting a little easier; the consequence of this is also changing my internal narrative about weight fluctuation, and moving towards a seasonal view of this too! As the days get lighter, I think (hope?) that I'll feel more energy, and move into the next phase. And you too I hope from your comments here! :)
What if we just...don't?
Love this Louisa. As I get older there are definitely more things I say no to. I wonder if my likes/tastes are changing as I get older or if I just have more confidence to say what I really mean now. I wish my younger self had felt able to be more true to herself.
Luisa, I really love this. At 42, which in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything,” I have decided I’m having a mid-life catharsis rather than a mid-life crisis. I am leaning into what I love and letting go of some things I don’t. The leaning in is going great, enjoying allowing myself time for my passions. The letting go is much, much harder...for me...so I really appreciate that question, what if I just don’t? Because your writing reminded me that I need to say no, in order to say yes.
Beautiful! Saying no allows us to say yes to what we really want. So happy to have found your beautiful writing! xx
I love this, Luisa. I think there's so much power in a 'not to do list'. I'm proactively trying to practice saying 'because I don't want to' and stopping there without continuing to justify why I want to stop something - both when telling others something and when telling myself! It's hard sometimes but liberating.
I’m about to turn forty and have never felt more apt to do whatever the hell I want. I’ve spent so much of my life with the ‘shoulds’ being ever so careful to never rock the boat. But a new season is beginning for me now, one that aligns with who I truly am and how I want to live. Beautiful post ♥️
I soooooooo love this Luisa. I’m 55 and 9 months (crikey!) and have worked in learning & development and coaching all my life until I early-retired a year ago. I used to have similar conversations with my work colleagues who felt overwhelmed - to help them work out what they could legitimately say no to (and how to do it without losing their job! Ha ha)
Yet it took me until I turned 50 to realise that I needed to do it outside of work too. As a lifelong pleaser of others, I started pleasing myself more. I also starting caring less about what other people think. It’s not about being selfish - I’m naturally a helper - it’s just shifting the balance a bit. Maybe when you get older you realise that this life is not a dress rehearsal and you need to make every day count. For me, that means: doing more things that make you happy and fewer that don’t; finding something that you do just for you (like your wonderful yoga sessions!); and finding happiness in the smallest of things, often things that are already part of your day and don’t cost a penny.
It’s still a journey, as I’ve always naturally put others first and you can’t break a habit-of-a-lifetime overnight. And there’s still a little guilt sometimes too. But your lovely words remind me of where I need to be. Thank you!
Oof thank you for writing this❤️🔥. A few things I no longer do...
- Feel like I have to say yes
- Iron
- send Christmas cards
- remove body hair
Yes! I can sense a rebellion. And i am now 32 (for the record) and i've noticed a shift in how i think and feel about a lot of things that I used to automatically do. I no longer commit to things quickly, I no longer assume others are secure in themselves, I no longer enjoy social media and dont feel bad for it.
Oh god now I’m creeped out too. Although I’ll gladly take treats for not reacting instantly 😂
I no longer feel bad for taking time to respond to messages. Just because it arrives within seconds doesn’t mean I have to respond within seconds
Aside from the gym, my list mirrors your list and many of your readers. Addendum to Rebecca’s saying “no, thank you” without guilt: AND without an explanation. My “sorry, I can’t make its” no longer include a reason why. It’s been quite freeing.
Luisa i just LOVED reading this and connected with so much of this shift in you. I have the same feeling a lot of the time and I’m curious as my husband starts to feel better after 2.5 years of being sick what I actually DO WANT to do. I might make a list today!
I’m glad I decided to wander here tonight. Your post made me think of all the things I stopped doing and I feel proud. My next big one is to stop over explaining myself, giving all sorts of justifications when I just want to say a plain no. And you’re right about being 43!! Lately I feel as rebellious as when I was 15. For now I’m a bit bewildered too, not sure about which direction in really calling and feeling like a pressure cooker… I’m curious to see what happens when the steam finally gets out!
I also stopped too many things I didn’t want to so tomorrow morning, I’m going to dig out my journal and the prompt will be to list all the things I stopped doing! Thank you ☺️
"I lose the things I don’t love, in order to have more time and energy for those that I do."
Yesssss! Loved this piece and this line especially. I think this is why it doesn't feel like a sacrifice to give those things up or to stop doing them, even if some of them were fairly enjoyable or mindless habits like doom-scrolling social media *sets down Instagram...*. It's like you said, saying no means that we're really saying yes to something more fulfilling and when we do that we're really saying yes to ourselves, which just the loveliest thing we can do, isn't it?
Also: something I'm no longer doing is waiting to be ready - I figure everyone is winging it to some extent so might as well have a go (even if it's a bit scary) and see what happens! ❤️ And I (try really really hard to) no longer worry about the opinions/criticisms of people that I wouldn't go to for advice - a work in progress too!
Thanks for this. It feels like permission to not do stuff. Maybe even not to finish my second child's baby book (which has been hanging over me for 9 years!). It has got me thinking about what I want to stop. Need to get my journal out!
Definitely with you on no longer reading the news. Also accepting that in the winter I need to hibernate a bit, and, for me, that means encouraging myself to rest, which is tricky but with persistence (the irony of striving to rest?!) seems to be getting a little easier; the consequence of this is also changing my internal narrative about weight fluctuation, and moving towards a seasonal view of this too! As the days get lighter, I think (hope?) that I'll feel more energy, and move into the next phase. And you too I hope from your comments here! :)